Today has one big similarity with yesterday. It is cold and grey this morning. Maybe the weather will improve a little later. The latest revision to the forecast says the dark grey clouds should lighten up to maybe even white cloud by 2pm. Between 4 and 6pm there could be sunny spells. It is going to be cold again. The latest revision to the forecast only gives hope for a mere 10° C. Tomorrow may offer a brief respite. The afternoon should feature sunshine, and the temperature could rise to 15° C.

  Yesterday could be described as a horrible day, but once I had decided I was depressed, and there was nothing I could do about it, it was not nearly so bad. Sometimes you just have to let these things happen, and not struggle against them Struggling just makes the binding tighter. There were a thousand one reasons for feeling depressed, and even I know a large handful of them, but the key ingredient was the cold grey weather yesterday morning. The whole course of my day could have been different if it was a warm sunny morning.

  I seem to lack almost all motivation to do anything good or useful. I say almost all because I made a point of doing some laundry just so I was able to say I did something concrete. It was only a medium load of three t-shirts and some underwear, but it still seemed a bit like hard work. I am at a bit of a loss to work out why it seemed like hard work when I would have once taken it in my stride. I don't think I can blame my high blood glucose, but it is possible. I would rather blame ongoing after effects of covid, and maybe the covid jab.

  A decisive factor in my lack of any other activity was the book I was reading. Immersing myself in the book was a great distraction from the unpleasantness of reality. The main recurring thought of reality was that I couldn't see any possible future that would bring inspiration or happiness. Travelling through time to a fictional account of exploring Mars was engrossing enough to blot out reality. So much so that I continued reading the book later into the night until I finished it.

  Another annoying thing about yesterday was that I had to have some control over what I ate. In the morning my blood glucose level was dangerously high. Ideally I would have fasted for most of the day - maybe even the whole day if I could have managed it. Of course this was a case where positive feedback took place. Instead of eating less I ate more because I was depressed, and that should have just made things worse. I can't remember exactly what I did eat, except for my dinner, and there are hints that what I ate through the day was subconsciously selected to be moderately safe in bot quality and quantity. I wish I knew how I did that !

  My dinner was a lot smaller than it should have been. It was one very small, allegedly "standard sized", chicken shish kebab, and maybe an even smaller lamb shish kebab. Both were extras I had ordered with the takeway I had ordered the previous night. I think I remarked yesterday that I thought the one I had then was very small, and that the accompanying salad seemed very haphazard.

  With my intended dinner being so small I topped it up with a dessert of low(ish) calorie, and low(ish) sugar ice cream. I knew I should eat it, but I was in a devil may care attitude. I am reminded that I was even worse yesterday morning. I had only tested my blood glucose level half an hour previously, and seen it was extremely high, when I had a breakfast of a portion of chips ! Quite a big portion by my reckoning, but only half the full portion that came with the takeaway.

  Closing the bathroom window seemed to make a lot of difference to the temperature in my bedroom. I only had minimal heating on, but I felt quite warm yesterday evening. The ultra hot chilli sauce on the kebabs may have contributed to this. At about 10pm I put my book down and tried to go to sleep. Now the good news is that my right knee (and leg) seemed to have stopped hurting, and in that respect I was comfortable in bed, but there were other discomforts.

  One stupid problem is that some bits of me, mostly, but not exclusively, bits of me in contact with the sheet and pillowcase felt too hot while some bits of me felt cool. I tried to get to sleep, but I just didn't seem to feel tired enough. I don't know how long it was until I gave up, and put the light back on so I could get back into my book. I do know I finished the book at around 2am, and from then it was not long before I fell asleep.

  I guess I only got about 4 hours sleep last night, and I think I got up for a wee in the middle of those 4 hours. The weird news is that my blood glucose has dropped to 8.3mmol/l. That is still higher than I aim for, but relatively OK. In some ways it is a miracle after eating chips for breakfast, and ice cream in the evening. Sometime I think I understand my type II diabetes, and at other times it is all a mystery !

  The rest of my body is sort of good and bad. It's good because it isn't worse, and it is bad because too much resting has probably added some extra stiffness in different places. What I can't work out at the moment is the state of my mental health. I still feel that the future looks bleak in the extreme, and provides no inspiration to do anything, but on the other hand I did have a shower and wash my hair this morning - something I could be bother to do yesterday.

  10° C, and grey skies do little to attract me out into the wider world today, but maybe I might try and do a bit of gardening today. If nothing else I might strim the lawn. I can't believe how many bare patches there are in the lawn. I knew there were a few "thin" spots last summer, but now there seem to be tea plate sized bald patches. Once I have strimmed the lawn I will need to clear the chopped grass so I can prick the bald patches and put down more grass seed. I am wondering if I can get away with not watering it. The ground looks slightly damp, and Monday could bring rain (as is traditional for a bank holiday Monday !).

  Things get complicated on Sunday. I thought I had mentioned yesterday that there was to be a short (one hour ?) street gig on the bank holiday Monday. That has now been brought forward to tomorrow when the weather could not only be better, but maybe quite nice. This clashes with my Sunday afternoon boozing session with Jodie. The complication is that Jodie will be relying on coming over to cook her dinner in my microwave. I am not sure how to resolve this. I shall consult her about it later. Maybe she might change he schedule to come over today, or Monday. Maybe she could come over around 5pm, have just a couple of beers, zap her dinner in my microwave, and still get a train around 6.30pm....or, I dunno.....