The clouds to the east are tinged with red to the east where the sun has just risen. That is not a good sign for the morning, and sure enough there is a medium chance of light rain at midday and 1pm. Either side of that there could be sunny spells. It's looks like the first could be, as forecast, at 8am. The afternoon temperature should reach 18° C. Tomorrow could feature a bit more rain, and a few less sunny spells, but the afternoon temperature could rise to 19° C.

  Yesterday was not a good day, although it started as if it might be one. There were two things that steered me away from one hoped for course. One was a slight volatility of my guts. It wasn't that bad as such, but it continued into the afternoon. It wasn't bad enough to stop the other thing that changed my day. That was a shopping trip to Tesco. Earlier in the morning I had forgotten that I needed a few things.

  I don't know when the idea first hit me, but I found I had a strong desire for forbidden fruit while in Tesco. That forbidden fruit was oven chips. I may have resisted the idea until I saw a packet of them on the reduced price shelf. They were almost half price (if I recall correctly), and quickly ended up in my shopping basket. I had walked to Tesco in sunshine, and it felt good on my bare arms, but while in the store the sky clouded over with thick, and threatening looking clouds.

  I was not sure if it was imagination or not, but I thought I felt a couple of drops of light rain hit me as I walked home. Half an hour after getting home, when, only in theory, I could have been going out again, it did start to rain. It was so light it was hard to see, but a few drops hit the window. I doubt it would have been much of an inconvenience if I had been out walking in it, but it felt better to have stayed in and dry.

  My lunch was two very small plates of oven chips, and to make matters worse, I melted some cheese on the second batch. The reason for the two small portions is that I could only cook a small amount at a time in my mini oven. They were more like "fries" than chips, and I suspect if I had left them in the oven a bit longer until just before they started to char they would have been very much like the excretable "fries" that the likes of McDonalds sells. I must admit I did enjoy eating them, but it wasn't enough to make me want to get more of them. It was just one isolated treat.

  I had a quite boring afternoon, and I did little more than quietly read. I am not sure when it was, but I became aware that something had changed in Angela's life. I had a strong idea what it was, but the confirmation didn't come until early this morning. More about this a bit further down the page, but at this point I merely felt a bit miserable. It was enough to put me in the mood where I couldn't be bothered to try and find anything to do.

  I did nothing until 5pm when I watched Star Trek: Enterprise, and then Star Trek:Deep Space Nine. That was followed by The Simpsons at 7pm. That is when I ate my dinner. It was pork and potato stew: The sequel. It was similar to the one I had the night before, but with more chillies in it. That may have had consequences later in the night. In the meantime I wanted booze, and I didn't fancy more Brewdog beer.
  I fancied a lot of whisky, but it didn't happen. I finished an almost empty bottle Glenmorrin whisky, and then moved on to Highland Park whisky. It was aged 12 years, and so in theory it was the sort of whisky to be savoured rather than just tossed back. The reality is that I stopped after one glass because I don't actually like the stuff. The result was that when I decided not to watch QI at 9pm, I went to bed almost sober.

  I had a really lousy night. For one thing I was fretting about Angela's news, even though it was still only guessed at until this morning. It took me a long time to get to sleep, and even when I did get to sleep I don't think I slept for long. Last night was one of the worst nights I've had for feeling too hit under the duvet, and too cold without it. I suspect all the green chillies I had cooked in the pork stew were making me feel hot. They hardly seemed to impart any heat to the stew as I ate it, but took their revenge in the night.

  Well, that's one theory, and while other things could be possible, all I know is that when under the duvet I would break out in a sweat. It didn't seem so bad when awake, but after a period of sleep under the duvet I would wake up to a damp pillow and duvet edge. In the end I started dreaming about the situation. In one dream I had two "somethings" in my bed, and they were over heating because the batteries weren't fitted properly, or had gone flat. It seemed that whatever these things were, they both had thermostats, but they controlled each other. It was all a bit weird, but that's dreams for you.

  By 5 or 6am this morning I was just starting to sleep almost normally, but at 6.57am I was woken up by an incoming message on my phone. It was Angela pleading with me to come to her wedding on 2nd June next year. My worst fears had been confirmed. It leaves me feeling so empty inside. I hate to hurt her, but I don't think I can face seeing her married to another man. It feels like a long fantasy coming to a sad end.

  It would be difficult to see Angela at lunchtime, as I normally do on a Wednesday, but it sort of feels worse that I may not be able to. She tells me she has a cut above her eye that might need stitches, and probably won't be going to the pub. Meanwhile every message she sent included a plea for me to attend her marriage. I have said nothing either way as yet, because I really don't know if I will or won't. It is going to be a very tense, and probable terrible 8 months, and maybe even worse after that.

  I think my plan today is to go to the pub regardless. Maybe she'll turn up, and maybe she won't. Either way will be both good and bad. In the meantime I am trying to cultivate the right sort of mood to not want to eat. It is the traditional thing to do when very depressed, but I've never managed it before. If I can hold out until after lunchtime it will be a miracle.