It is nice and sunny now, but a lot of the sky is more a very light, milky grey rather than blue. I guess the sunshine is a tiny bit hazy. Maybe the sun will burn off the haze, and we will get full strength sunshine, but it does seem to be leaving it a bit late. Once again, today should be completely dry, and with an afternoon temperature of 19° C, it is looking to be a very nice day. Everything changes tomorrow. The whole day is forecast to be dull, and with a 10% chance of rain from sunrise to about 3pm, but the whole day should actually be dry. Tomorrow afternoon may only see 15° C, but under a sullen grey sky that may almost feel cold.   Yesterday felt like it was a sort of bland day. I don't think I felt depressed at any time, but I think I acted as if I was depressed. I definitely had no get up and go. The very thought of doing something sent me scurrying to my bed for a lie down and snooze. At least that was what it felt like.

  I had plans to do so shopping, and even possibly going for a longer walk yesterday, but the only physical activity I did was to finish washing the 9 pairs of underpants (I thought it was at east a dozen, and just 9 when I counted them seemed like a disappointment) that had been left soaking from the previous day. It was one of those occasions where I felt exhausted before I started, but that didn't seem to stop me doing all the wringing out and rinsing, non stop.

  This morning there is plenty of evidence that I must have been bored/depressed/confused enough to make me think I needed to eat a lot more than is good for me. The peculiar thing is that I thought I had some control over what I ate, but it seems I didn't. I can't even blame it on booze. Another peculiar thing is that I had given some thought to my dinner to make it seem safe, but the evidence is that it was not.

  It is true to say that I did very little yesterday, or looked at in another way, not enough to distract me from feeling sort of lost, or depressed. I seem to be turning the rules on their head. I am sure I was depressed not because I felt that way, but because of the way I acted against my best interests. I think I need help, but the only cure will be a nice warm sunny day - possibly like today !

  I think that finishing my laundry (the pile of underpants) gave me some sort of excuse to dare to have a couple of liquorice based sweeties. I think I had 4 or maybe 5 "choco-logs) - a liquorice tube filled with chocolate. They look small and innocent (as well as being delicious). It is lucky there were only the last 4 or 5 in the bag, because once started it was hard to stop.

  My crowning success yesterday was to not have any Walls ice cream - the ice cream with gallons of sugary stuff in it. That indicates I did still have some sense of right or wrong (in an eating sense) yesterday. I thought my dinner should have been fairly safe. It was two deli rolls - one with ham in it, and the other corned beef. Of course they were white bread, and that can have surprising amounts of sugar in it sometimes.

  I did do one of sort of constructive thing late yesterday afternoon, and a bit of the evening. I was glued to my PC to do some dodgy downloads. Time seems to pass quite quickly doing such things. I was actually doing it during commercial breaks while also watching my usual evening TV. The end of last night has the sort of vagueness that only much booze can bring on, but last night I didn't have a single drop of booze.

  I still can't quite remember what time I stopped watching TV, or what time I spent reading in bed. I think I went to sleep slightly earlier than many nights, but I could be completely deluded. Once I was asleep I seemed to sleep well. As I wrote that I was suddenly reminded that I think I was dreaming soon after getting to sleep, and it was one of those vanishingly rare occasions when the dream was a continuation of whatever I was thinking about before I fell asleep. To my great annoyance I can't seem to remember what it was. To my even greater annoyance, I think that after the recent local elections dominating the news, I may have been thinking, and then dreaming about politics. Ugh !!!

  One thing I don't remember doing much of last night was waking up for a pee. Based upon how much I weighed, and what my blood glucose readings were, I am surprised I did not pee a lot more. Peeing more would have helped to lower my weight, and nothing more. After a quite decent poo and a fair pee after getting up I found I had gained another 100gm. That is not much, but it seems it is death by a thousand cuts - each little bit is almost ignorable by itself, but cumulatively...

  My blood glucose readings wee all very similar, and all in the pink - the last colour before red for danger. I got readings of 9.3, 9.3 and 9.7mmol/l. All are very bad. I thought I had it under control by not having any of that awful (but very tasty) Walls ice cream. Of course there was one other good-bad thing I ate for a dessert last night. A ready prepared fruit salad of apple, pineapple and grapes is the sort of thing healthy people say you should eat, but I don't think it is good for me.

  I don't feel very good this morning, and I am not sure why. Maybe I am overloaded with guilt about my blood glucose and weight readings, or maybe it is some underlying thing that I have yet to determine. Maybe one problem is that my blood pressure is that very rare thing, too low. I've just checked it and it was 96/54 with a pulse rate of 51 beats per minutes.  I can imagine a walk in the park would soon have by systolic pressure up to 150 or higher.

  I might just go for a walk in the park today. On a normal Saturday Ayse would be serving in The Jolly Farmers, but I think it would be wasted effort to go to the pub because I doubt she will be there. I am think of walking in the opposite direction, and walking through the River Pool Linear park. If I walked as far as the bow string bridge over the river, and then walked home, it would be a 3 mile walk. I haven't walked that far in ages, and I am wondering if I dare try it. One day I will have to force myself to do it - just like the first time I did it. Once done it becomes easier, and could lead on to longer walks. It is about time I put the effort in, but I can't say I feel very enthusiastic about it. Maybe the answer, like it has been so many times in the past, to not worry about enthusiasm because that can happen while actually doing it. It is either that of a shopping trip to Savers and Poundstretcher.